Hotel Austin

I checked out a long time ago. Clearly, I can never leave.

In fact, a year ago today, I ended a relationship with someone on the grounds that I was moving. The core reality was, I had to have a drastic life change. We both did. That relationship was bleeding both of us dry. I found myself in a terribly unfulfilling job and in a horrible relationship at a terrible time. And I could never overcome the feeling that I deserved better in my life. And deserved to be doing what I want with my life. Also, moving would have accomplished all those things. Which made it the perfect plan.

But, here it is. A year later. And I'm still in Austin. It's like effing groundhog day. Before, I felt like a slave to a life I didn't want. Now I feel like an indentured servant to it. No chains. Still can't go anywhere.

I've thrown hundreds of resumes all over the country. I've talked to dozens of headhunters. I've lied all over my resume. I've volunteered to start over at entry level positions. Anything to get me out of this town. I.HATE.THIS.FUCKING.TOWN. And nothing. Well, I got a magical plane ride that was supposed to somehow give me interactive experience. Apparently I fell asleep at the key parts.

If you asked the general population would you like to live forever and would you like to live in Austin, I bet the percentages would be pretty close for both questions.

But ask any vampire how cool it is to live forever. It's not. They'll happily tell you. They just want to die with dignity. I just want to get the hell out of here. I'm an Austin vampire. An Auspire. A Vampstin.

That sounds like a car. And a kid on a 5 year old soccer team.

Seriously, why can't I be traded to another city? I'm not happy with my playing time, coach. I'm not happy with this West Coast offense we're running now in this city, coach. Your mom, coach.

I'm holding out. I'm going to become a cancer in the locker room. I'm getting into a feud with a reporter who's been covering our team for years. I'm wearing a Yankees hat to an Indians playoff game. I'm reaching out and grabbing a foul ball. I'm laying on the scorer's table until someone throws a drink on me. Then I'm going in the stands. Spider monkey style.

No, I'm not. I'm just going to live forever. Yippee.