My bank is trying to protect me

Trying too hard. And, like my mother, I'm not sure what they're so afraid of.

So, you might have noticed I am trying to get a place in New York. I'm at Kinko's, filling out all the paper work before faxing it to my broker on Sunday night. When, I get to the section asking for checking and savings account info. Oops. I'm notorious for not knowing my checking account number. Also, the application needs my bank's address.

My bank is Wells Fargo ... the largest gobbler of banks west of the Mississippi. I don't exactly have their street address ... for any of their divisions. I swear I have sent checks to about four different states to pay various arms of Wells Fargo in the eight years we've been together.

So, I call customer service from the fax machine.

I give them my name, address and check card number.

"Sir, I can't give out account numbers over the phone."

So, let me get this straight. Whoever I might be, I have a check card number. Can't you do more damage with someone's check card number than with someone's checking account number? What - exactly - in this instance, is this policy protecting someone from? In any event, isn't the damage level about the same? I mean, end result, someone can drain the bank account.

So, then, I ask the guy if he can give me the Wells Fargo address for account verification.

"11203 ..."

"Wow," I think to myself. "That's how my address starts off ... Wait. This bozo is giving me my own address."

So, they won't give out redundant ways to cause harm. But they will give out your PHYSICAL ADDRESS TO ANYONE WITH YOUR CHECK CARD. Brilliant. Utterly brilliant. I'm soooooo protected. From everyone except serial killers and thieves.

Eventually, the guy says he guesses the best address would be the branch I opened my account at all those years ago. Fine.

So, in order to find my account numbers, I log on to wellsfargo.com from one of Kinko's blatantly, glaringly unsecure computers and download the pdf of my bank statement so as to procure my account numbers.

Yeah. That felt real fucking safe. Thanks, Wells Fargo. Law of Unintended Consequences and shit.

Then I left said Kinko's with my check card still in the fax machine. Oops. This is what happens, Wells Fargo, when you don't just give me the freaking account numbers. I muster up all my concentration to smite you and end up unsecuring myself more than if you had just done it for me.

So, this morning, I needed to get some cash into a certain someone's account so she can write checks to get me in my apartment. I wheel up to my neighborhood Wells Fargo to get a certified check. It is 8:30. The Lobby opens at 9. The drive thru has been open since 7:30. I pull up and ask for a cashier's check.

"We can only do those in the Lobby."

"Well, hell." I drive off. Wait. Surely they won't just hand me $550 in cash through the Drive Thru, will they? I take a lap.

"So, if I can't get a cashier's check, will cash post immediately in her account?"

"Yes."

"And I can get $550 right now?"

"Yes."

"Do it."

Lose the certified check? Only a certain someone can do anything with it. Lose eleven $20 bills? Anyone can do anything with it. Maybe even get a half a tank of gas out of it. So, basically, I'm being protected from a more secure transaction by this policy of yours, Wells Fargo. That seems well thought out.

Just wow.