Things you didn't think you could miss about Austin, Texas

No, seriously. There are probably 50 Brazillion better Chinese joints in my neighborhood. But, I fucking miss PF fucking Changs.

And I didn't know I did (or could) until I was on the phone with Kristal earlier tonight. There had been a little mix-up in the grocery shopping tonight. Between me, shallots and scallions.

Now, let me back this up. I'll just do it this way. About 3 this afternoon, I was e-mailed the following shopping list:

Fresh parsley
Fresh Thyme
1 Shallot (type of onion)
large cucumber
grape tomatoes
small red onion
2 avocados
fresh cilantro
1 jalapeno pepper
2 limes
french baguette
soft goat cheese
chipotle chili powder
cooking spray
4 boneless skinless chicken breasts

Now, there's a good chance that if you're reading this, you're a Texan that has never lived in New York before. That means, there's a good chance you've never been grocery shopping in New York. Which means you can't fathom that the above list required me to hit THREE different stores FOUR different times. Total.

I found jalapenos at one store. One. Baguettes? Well, I was upstairs, perusing the immense kitchenwares section (read: lowering my urge to kill) when I hear them announce baguettes are now on sale for 75 cents. I sprint downstairs to find empty baskets.

Tonight? While grocery shopping? I threw a pitchfork. I killed a guy.

So, shallots. Tonight, at grocery store number two (which, btw, is my favorite, solely because they stock Sweet Leaf Tea), I grabbed what was labelled as "shallots." Turns out, they were scallions. Now, having never used, needed or eaten either ... well, I was at a severe disadvantage.

Which of course means, I got a horticultural lesson in my apartment and re-dispatched to grocery store number one. Who should get off its ass and stock Sweet Leaf. The fuckers.

ANYWAY, I'm talking to Kristal, asking her to help me identify shallots. And she says, scallions are the things in PF Chang's beef broccoli.

I've never wanted anything more in my life.

I drooled on the 3 year old who was setting the bear trap at my feet and smiled at the lady aiming the RPG at my cart. Hey. I told you grocery shopping in New York was rough.