Sometimes it's about geography. Sometimes it's not.

BOOM! 38 great things about 2010

2010-12-31T21:21:00.001-06:00

Why 38? Because it’s my lucky number. And I couldn’t, for the life of me, get to 50 like NPR did. So here’s my 38 Reasons 2010 was pretty awesome. For me. OK, if not awesome, 2010 was at least better than the movie of the same name.

1. Brothers from the Black Keys. EASILY. The winner of the 2010 Colby Award for Achievement in Music. When people ask me to tell them about my favorite coffee, rye whiskey, women and/or music, I’m thankful that I just have to say that I like them all bitter, dark and mysterious.

A sinister kid is a kid who
Runs to meet his Maker
A drop dead sprint from the day he's born
Straight into his Maker's arms
And that's me, that's me
The boy with the broken halo
That's me, that's me
The devil won't let me be

BOOM! That’s exactly the sort of work that will get you a Colby.

2. True Grit. The winner of the 2010 Colby Award for Achievement in Film. A second consecutive win for Jeff Bridges. About the eleventieth win for the Coen Brothers. Even the ever-smarmy Matt Damon was spot on. He’s so smug.

3. Boardwalk Empire. The co-winner of the 2010 Colby Award for Achievement in Television. It’s beautifully shot and beautifully costumed. On top of that, it’s a really fascinating premise that’s going to be a great sandbox for Marty to play in.

4. Mad Men. The co-winner of the 2010 Colby Award for Achievement in Television. Yes. Yes. I have spent four years saying, “Why would I want to watch people on TV do my job worse than I do it?” But, then a funny thing happened and I watched all four seasons in a week and a half. Fifty-two episodes in ten days. The moment you first see Don Draper, you know this is the story of his redemption. (And if you’ve talked to me for more than an hour, you know “Redemption” is my favorite word, concept and story device.) Season four of Mad Men started out with a bunch of shots to the gut. I seriously can’t imagine having to wait a week to see how the next kick in the head was going to turn out. SO glad to have watched the season in about two days. And then, really out of nowhere, BOOM! Don’s redemption. Will it stick? Can’t wait to find out. Over some rye.

5. Old Spice (by Wieden + Kennedy). The winners of the 2010 Colby Award for Achievement in Advertising. Another eleventy time Colby Award winner in W+K. And these spots + YouTube clips are so good, I awarded all my deodorant business to Old Spice. Without a review.

6. Nike’s BOOM TV Spot (by Wieden + Kennedy). Honorable mention for 2010 Colby Award for Achievement in Advertsing. With the passion of a thousand fiery white suns, I hate every single active athlete in this spot. And it’s still fantastic.

7. Santacon.

8. Penn State’s Homecoming.

9. Blogging over at Barking Carnival. I’m going to be completely honest and sincere for a second. I am and was greatly honored these guys let me in their clubhouse. And I am without surprise that I got so swamped at work that I couldn’t follow through with them and finish off my own little 20 by 20. But it gives me an offseason project. Once Texas has coaches again and people stop reading BC.

10. LEGO brand building block advent calendars. OK, so this is a great thing about every year.

11. BSE. You know it if you saw it.

12. Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest

13. Fucking! Greg! Fucking! Davis! Fucking! Got! His! Dumb! Fucking! Ass! Fucking! Fired!

Ten years too late, but Fuck! Yes!

14. Finally saw Lyle Lovett. At the Beacon Theatre, no less.

15. Finally saw a show at the Beacon Theatre. Lyle Lovett, no less.

16. Free keg Thursdays at Work. A wise and pasty Englishman once called these the springboard for the weekend. He’s right, but don’t tell him.

17. Starbucks Gold Card Status. BOOM!

18. Tim Tebow’s collegiate eligibility expired. This cannot be celebrated enough.

19. The New York Yankees didn’t win the World Series. This cannot be celebrated enough.

20. Juneteenth. A ten year old vow. A pack of friends. A champagne toast on the Main Mall.

21. Being more single than ever. Yeah. That, you’re goddamned right that gets a BOOM!

22. Will Muschamp finally got out from under Mack Brown’s shadow.

23. Kevin Durant became a legitimate basketball star. At the FIBA World Championships, he beat the entire world like they stole from him. He became the NBA’s youngest scoring champion ever at 21. Most importantly, Kevin Durant didn’t change one bit because of it all.

24. Cee-Lo The singer, not the Longino.

25. My Skullcandy Chrome FMJs They sound great and they’re shiny chrome, which means when they’re in, even knucklehead tourists and the craziest of subway crazies can see them and leave you alone. BOOM!

26. This OK Go video

27. Making it to Arielle Kaspar’s second birthday party.

28. ESPN’s 30 for 30. Pony Exce$$, Run, Ricky, Run, Once Brothers and The Best That Never Was are some of the best documentaries you will ever see.

29. Claire Danes in Temple Grandin.

30. Plastic Beach from the Gorillaz. If they’re not the best animated band of our generation, I don’t know who is.

31. All Day from Girl Talk. I don’t know what you call this. I don’t know if I should admit to liking it. But holy baby Tim Tebow wrapped in swaddling football pads, this is fun stuff.

32. Stuxnet. The greatest news story not enough people are talking about.

33. The 2010 Colby Award for Achievement in Sports goes to … no one. I’m really hard pressed to come up with anything sporting wise that I liked about 2010. World Cup? Nope. World Series? Eh. I like Lincecum enough to ape his hair, but, eh. NBA Finals? Hell no. Super Bowl? No. Texas Football? Losing 8 games in 2010 doesn’t really blow my skirt up. Texas basketball? HA! Texas baseball? Nearly overcame our annual seeding hose job from the NCCA. Nearly. Seriously, Kevin Durant might easily be this year’s lone highlight. I’d like to be proven wrong here.

34. I made my first trip to the Met. What I know about art can easily be placed on one side of an index card. You probably know this. That said, WOW. BOOM! Whatever. I’ll be back.

35. I was within 20 feet of a Rolling Stone (if you count Chuck Leavell as a Rolling Stone, and you should). Unfortunately, Keith Urban was there, too. Did I mention Keith needs a TelePrompter to get the lyrics to Tumblin’ Dice?

36. As of midnight, I become a free agent in the cell phone game. Hello, Droid. Hello, iPhone. Hello, Windows Phone. Who wants me more? Yes, BlackBerry, you’re name is missing. Must be for a reason, no?

37. I made a lot of new, great friends this year. Look, old timers, don’t take this the wrong way. You’ve done your time and you deserve your own praise, but 2010 was a really good year for adding new people. I’d love to get you all in a room sometime. I think you’d all dig each other.

38. No emergency vet trips. I really think Rads and I made it the entire year without one emergency trip to the vet. No broken tail. No mystery germs from the dog park. No bladder stones. No broken eye lid. Yes, those all really happened before.

There you go. And now. I’m pouring myself a little whiskey and laughing at the amateur drinkers falling all over the sidewalks tonight.

You stay classy, internet.

This reminds me of my walk to work in Texas

2008-12-05T07:56:00.000-06:00

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2008-11-29T19:35:00.000-06:00

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2008-10-09T11:48:00.000-05:00

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2008-09-06T11:04:00.000-05:00

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2008-09-04T17:57:00.000-05:00

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2008-08-31T16:24:00.000-05:00

Suits suck
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Fashion week, bitches

2008-08-29T08:06:00.000-05:00

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2008-08-16T18:35:00.000-05:00

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I've got you, babe

2008-08-15T07:48:00.001-05:00

Why, yes. This morning's commute did feature a song from Donny and Marie Osmond. You mean yours didn't? Huh.

Sadly, the Good Morning America Summer Concert series is winding down. My usual subway stop is at the far corner of Bryant Park. Which gives me a good block of listening time on the way to the office. Oh, but they've saved the best for last. Gone, but not forgotten they will be.

Now, look. The "music" and, I used that term loosely, has been pretty cruddy. But, the series has been a great enabler of people watching - which comes in second for me, only to people mocking.

As I mentioned before, I got to see a grown woman drop f-bombs in front of kids at the Miley Cyrus show. Last week, when leaving the office on Thursday night, I got to see people camped out on the sidewalk (all the way around the block) for the Jonas Brothers.

I caught a little Feist. I saw some RENT.

But nothing. Nothing at all. Can compare to next week's finale. Ladies and gentlemen. I give you, Lynyrd Skynyrd and Kid Rock.

My prediction? I'll be the guy in the collared shirt.

If I had to sum up Maine in one image ...

2008-08-13T11:03:00.001-05:00

your firearms are useless against us
Originally uploaded by angus_2000

it would be this one. So as to scare you all away.

Seriously. Frickin' awesome. My new favorite state.

Yes. That is a matchbox car on the third rail

2008-08-11T16:35:00.000-05:00

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Grocery shopping in Maine

2008-08-08T19:04:00.000-05:00

I heart it.
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2008-08-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

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Start spreading the news

2008-08-07T21:31:00.000-05:00

One of my parents: Guess who stayed in Amarillo last night? Paul McCartney. He is taling old route 66. He stayed at the Ambassador Hotel and was driving an old green Broncho

Me: guess who died 4 blocks from my apartment? John Lennon

Them: today?

Well, it's official

2008-08-07T16:24:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, Kelly and I were in a spirited debate about how best to deal with stupid, gawking tourists on the sidewalks.

She contended that it was rude for me to passionately exclaim, "JUST WALK!" and "HOLY JESUS!" when a passel of tourists exited a restaurant and stood, motionless on the sidewalk. I contended that her preferred method (bumping into them with extreme prejudice) had much different context coming from a 5 foot 3 size small than it does coming from 6 foot 5, 210 pounds of me. Though, I am not averse to dropping a shoulder on a local, like I did last week, (he was either going to plow into me or I could brace myself. It was the best hit I have laid on someone since IM flag football. Seriously, I laid the jackass out. Which is what should happen when you are flat out sprinting like Carl Lewis in a crowded subway station.) I don't really have a half-speed when it comes to initiating contact like that. (clearly)

This morning, Radley pooped on the sidewalk, instead of having to go all the way to the park.

This afternoon, a co-worker told me to slow down. I was talking too fast.

For the past 5 weeks, as a coping mechanism, I think, I was viewing this as if it was summer camp. It's not. I really live here.

Nice fucking wolf shirt

2008-08-05T18:04:00.000-05:00

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2008-08-03T17:56:00.000-05:00

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The irony

2008-08-01T15:17:00.000-05:00

Listening to three button hand me down while staring at the parsons school.
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My favorite part of the office

2008-07-30T15:54:00.000-05:00

Who needs whiteboard walls?
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That's Right (You are from Texas)

2008-07-29T16:10:00.002-05:00

In news from back home:

…A housewarming shower for the new offices of Texas Agri-Life Extension will be held August 6^th from 4:30-6:30pm at the Nita Lea Building at 903 14^th Street. The event is hosted by Hereford Cattlewomen and Panhandle Dairy Women…

That might be the most country blurb I have ever read.

Things you didn't think you could miss about Austin, Texas

2008-07-28T20:20:00.003-05:00

No, seriously. There are probably 50 Brazillion better Chinese joints in my neighborhood. But, I fucking miss PF fucking Changs.

And I didn't know I did (or could) until I was on the phone with Kristal earlier tonight. There had been a little mix-up in the grocery shopping tonight. Between me, shallots and scallions.

Now, let me back this up. I'll just do it this way. About 3 this afternoon, I was e-mailed the following shopping list:

Fresh parsley
Fresh Thyme
1 Shallot (type of onion)
large cucumber
grape tomatoes
small red onion
2 avocados
fresh cilantro
1 jalapeno pepper
2 limes
french baguette
soft goat cheese
chipotle chili powder
cooking spray
4 boneless skinless chicken breasts

Now, there's a good chance that if you're reading this, you're a Texan that has never lived in New York before. That means, there's a good chance you've never been grocery shopping in New York. Which means you can't fathom that the above list required me to hit THREE different stores FOUR different times. Total.

I found jalapenos at one store. One. Baguettes? Well, I was upstairs, perusing the immense kitchenwares section (read: lowering my urge to kill) when I hear them announce baguettes are now on sale for 75 cents. I sprint downstairs to find empty baskets.

Tonight? While grocery shopping? I threw a pitchfork. I killed a guy.

So, shallots. Tonight, at grocery store number two (which, btw, is my favorite, solely because they stock Sweet Leaf Tea), I grabbed what was labelled as "shallots." Turns out, they were scallions. Now, having never used, needed or eaten either ... well, I was at a severe disadvantage.

Which of course means, I got a horticultural lesson in my apartment and re-dispatched to grocery store number one. Who should get off its ass and stock Sweet Leaf. The fuckers.

ANYWAY, I'm talking to Kristal, asking her to help me identify shallots. And she says, scallions are the things in PF Chang's beef broccoli.

I've never wanted anything more in my life.

I drooled on the 3 year old who was setting the bear trap at my feet and smiled at the lady aiming the RPG at my cart. Hey. I told you grocery shopping in New York was rough.

I heart the subway

2008-07-28T08:21:00.002-05:00

When I first moved here (read: A period of time that started when I put the moving truck in park and ended about a day ago) I thought of the subway system as this city's shiv. Everything seems normal. Nothing going on. WHAM! Hidden blade in your gut. Hand covered in blood. Face torqued in agony. WHY!?! OH, WHY ME!??

Then, I started wrapping my mind around it (read: I started looking at maps and - much more importantly - listening to a certain someone.) Now, I kind of dig the subway. Sure, nothing I can think of is more miserable than realizing you've been sweating on your walk when you are greeted with an inferno of still, warm, thick, immobile air 60 feet below the surface of God's earth. Is it too late for that protective sheath of deodorant? I've even started liking the little rats. I root for them in their battle against the football sized ones. I know they're doomed. Like Colt McCoy. But that's what makes sports fun.

But, my favorite thing about the subway? Never in my life have I been so sure I'm on a hidden camera show. Also? I realize representative democracy works. I never have to wonder why we have so many freaks in Congress. We, the voting public, are just doing our jobs.

“In your country club, your church and business, about 15 percent of the people are screwballs, lightweights and boobs and you would not want those people unrepresented in Congress." -- Former Wyoming Sen. Alan K. Simpson, who - CLEARLY - never rode the subway enough, based on those numbers.

Greetings from Brooklyn

2008-07-26T17:49:00.001-05:00

OK, you can't tell it, but, yes, that is a limo with swing up doors. I guess they were running low on gull wing doors.

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If this means nothing to you ...

2008-07-20T23:08:00.001-05:00

Get back to me when it does.

Today's discovery

2008-07-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

It's fucking hard to not clap when the Yankees fuck up. Even in a bar full of their shithead fans.
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And now for something completely different

2008-07-18T08:27:00.003-05:00

I was one minute late to work this morning. Because of a fucking Miley Cyrus concert.

On the plus side, I did get to walk by the scene with Pink Floyd's Us and Them on the iPod. Well, played, shuffle play music gods. Well played indeed.

On the down side, I watched a woman tell a bunch of 12 year old girls to "get the fuck out of her way. I don't have time for this fucking bullshit." And she didn't call earmuffs, either.

Back to the plus side, two blocks past Bryant Park, I saw another group of preteens (4 girls, 1 guy) wandering around with maps and (what looked like) autograph pads. Though my personal sense of direction was on a northbound train at that moment, I volunteered directions. "The Miley Cyrus show is that way."

From an octave approximating a dog mauling a squeaktoy came, "MILEY CYRUS IS PLAYING A SHOW??!?"

The look on the guy's face was priceless. Get used to being dragged to shit, kid. Maybe, later today, I'll tell you all about me and my personal sense of direction catching The Dark Knight at midnight last night.

The worst spam subject line ever

2008-07-17T10:08:00.000-05:00

Elton John dies in rocketship.

It's always the Texans

2008-07-16T08:44:00.003-05:00

Now, I know I have been here a grand total of two weeks. And I swear I will never let this town take away my sense of wonderment. I refuse to let everything be routine. All in all? Not going to be a brick in the wall. Sure I haven't been more than a 20 block radius in ... shit. Since going to Jersey two Sundays ago? Holy Hell. Can that be right? Good grief, I think it is.

ANYWAY. I hop on my train last night to go home. We stop at Rock-A-Fella Center. I'm closest to the door. It opens, and there stand two guys in Astros hats and jersies with their All Star Game tickets around their necks. Yeah. Standing in the subway station. In New York. With their tickets to the last All Star Game in the House That Ruth Built. Around their necks.

Before I could get out the classic Matt Belew line "you folks here for the game?" they ask me, (yeah, people in New York asking me for directions ... gooooood idea.) "Will this train take us to the game?"

"Yeah, but it's a local."(My personal sense of navigation later told me this wasn't true on game days. Again, this is why you don't ask me directions. You ask me to call her.)

"Isn't the game in the city?"

Oy. Texans.

It's a bird. It's a plane. It's ....

2008-07-15T12:54:00.005-05:00

my first New York celebrity experience.

I got off the subway this morning (Right stop. On time and everything, thank you very much.) and was greeted with an abnormal delay getting up the stairs. I get up them, finally, and see police tape roping off Bryant Park. Lots of police tape.

Uh oh.

I get about a half a block up, and there are about a hundred Chevrolet pickups parked in a row. In case you haven't been in New York the past two weeks, the All Star game is tonight at Yankee Stadium. Why they get rewarded with an All Star Game for being so stupid as to tear down that park is beyond me, but I digress. This afternoon is an All Star Game parade near my office.

And there it was.

Superman's pickup for the parade.

After snapping this picture, I realized the head of my account at work was standing right next to me. "If you're taking a picture of Sizemore's truck, I hope you got a great shot of Willie Mays'."

Oops.

Ma'am

2008-07-14T13:58:00.000-05:00

Your son is wearing Crocs with socks.
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The Rolling Stones Song of the Week

2008-07-14T08:21:00.000-05:00

It's true. All of it. Every word.

2008-07-12T18:20:00.003-05:00

Fine. I'll just get this out of they way.

I am the biggest Batman fan you know and I can barely contain myself.

Yes. Yes, I have tickets for midnight Thursday. Yes. I am kind of fucking thrilled that my first movie living in New York is The Dark Knight.

Yes. Yes, I have a Batman figure that I got out of a box of Cheerios.

Glory be to Tarvold

2008-07-10T08:23:00.004-05:00

This morning, I went to the right subway stop. Didn't get on the wrong train. Did wait for the right train. (Big Boy Badasses ride the B train.) Didn't get off at the wrong stops. Did hang around for the right stop. Got off there. Exited the catacombs through the stairs closest to my office. Immediately gathered my bearings. Walked directly to my office. Started to get my ID out when the bouncer at the door said, "I know you. You're cool. Hold on to your ID."

Also? I did this without breaking out into profuse sweating. I can actually feel dry spots of my undershirt and it's not 1pm.

Which desk is yours?

2008-07-09T12:28:00.000-05:00

The one with Vince Young holding a Texas flag, of course.
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S-M-R-T

2008-07-09T11:23:00.007-05:00

"Hey, your office has a great view of the Empire State Building."
"It does?"
I've spent the past two days staring at the building across the street. Waiting for something cool to happen. But, and, in my defense, you'd have to be short to do this, if you squat down and look up and to the right ...

The pre snap read

2008-07-09T08:50:00.002-05:00

I've long thought my time as the editor of The Texan, coupled with my time studying power structures (ie majoring in government) made me really good at reading a room.

My first impressions of my new job? This might be the first place in a long time where people aren't having to overcompensate for a total slapdick. I mean, I guess you'd expect that ... you know, working in the Mecca of advertising. Working on the agency's flagship account. But it's nice to have those assumptions validated.

Wait. What if I am the slapdick?

Time is on my side

2008-07-08T10:16:00.002-05:00

Yeah, so forgive me for kind of picking this story up towards the end. It must feel like opening the movie with war veteran Odysseus strolling around Ithaca. Just know a certain someone has already thrown a few things up on her blog about our heroes' epic journey. Go find it. Start with the links to the right.

Anyway, if you've ever started a new job, and if you can afford a computer, I am guessing you have, you know the first couple days are meetings and training and trying to stay awake.

So I'm sitting in timesheet training this morning. And, the attendees were from my agency and our sister agency. The agencies use two totally different timesheet systems. So, 60 percent of the room got instructions first, while the other 40 percent of us were told to not pay attention to any of this because it would only serve to confuse us.

Deal. I can take that 10 minutes to write down things I still can't find.

So, it was during this exercise that it came up that our time sheets must have 35 hours on them.

Wait a second. What? Wha? Really? But?

Yeah. 9 to 5. Hour for lunch. Five days a week. 35 hours.

Now, I routinely logged 50 to 60 hour weeks at every job I ever had in Austin. I had a 20 hour Monday just a couple months ago. In fact, I think that was the week I first came up here to interview. And the standard was always 40 hours. Always. In fact, in order for an employer to not have to give me benefits, once, I was "limited" to 37.5 horus a week so as to not be a full time employee.

Do I expect to only work 35 hours every week? Not at all. Am I glad that's the benchmark? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Kelly, Janice and others keep waiting for this town to kick my ass. It will. But I just found an extra 5 hours a week to drown my sorrows in a bar.

The Rolling Stones Song of the Week

2008-07-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

Day 3: That was fast

2008-07-04T11:42:00.004-05:00

So, today, while running an impromptu errand/covert operation, some tourists on the subway huddled around me to take a picture with a real New Yorker.

I was wearing a Cleveland Indians hat.

And a (Texas) Longhorns for Kinky (Friedman for Texas Governor) T-shirt.

Maybe that was too subtle?

Awkward turtle, anyone?

2008-07-04T08:28:00.000-05:00

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A Day Without a Moving Truck

2008-07-03T12:00:00.001-05:00

Yes, I made it. Somehow.

Lots lots lots has happened. It was something. Or something.

Anyway, more to come, but I have to say, it kind of rocks alot.

Camden, bitches

2008-06-30T20:16:00.000-05:00

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2008-06-30T11:04:00.000-05:00

"I'm not talking to you anymore."
-- Todd van Horne, Mile 11.9 of Virginia
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Not factory installed equipment

2008-06-30T10:09:00.000-05:00

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Day 2

2008-06-30T05:41:00.000-05:00

Words. They escape me. Damn. It's early. Again.
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2008-06-27T08:57:00.000-05:00

It's not 9 yet and my parents have already told 5 strangers i'm moving to new York.
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please buy my couch

2008-06-24T17:03:00.001-05:00

please

The Rolling Stones Song of the Week

2008-06-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

IMG00237.jpg

2008-06-23T08:37:00.001-05:00

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I'm a little concerned they have these preprinted.

My Last Tank of Gas Ever

2008-06-23T00:37:00.002-05:00

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Also? I'm not alone.

My last Motown Saturday

2008-06-22T17:32:00.003-05:00

And the first with my new camera ...

Seriously

2008-06-19T18:25:00.000-05:00

I see one more person flip someone off with their kid in the car and I get up to ramming speed.
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I said I'd do this, and I am

2008-06-17T22:37:00.003-05:00

The graphical representation of me, right now:
I saw someone once (and if you're reading this, it isn't you) have something happen in their life that would have (at the time) made me really, really happy. And this person was pretty blah about it all. Actually, they were kind of dickish. And I said at the time, if something like that ever happened to me, I would be ... and the only thing that popped in my head was Jordan holding his trophy.

It's even better than getting a Billy Ripken Fuck Face card.

Look, I can get too emotional. I sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve. I've noticed this. And I've been trying real hard to even things out. And, I've been holding back on my excitement a little on this whole New York thing. Until ... well, until I had a New York address.

I have some work to do. And, if you want a sectional couch, a washer, a dryer or a garage full of crap, we need to talk. But, I feel like hugging a trophy.

To quote former Texas football coach, Fred Akers, "Get out the wide angle lenses, boys. I'm getting ready to smile."

My bank is trying to protect me

2008-06-17T09:26:00.002-05:00

Trying too hard. And, like my mother, I'm not sure what they're so afraid of.

So, you might have noticed I am trying to get a place in New York. I'm at Kinko's, filling out all the paper work before faxing it to my broker on Sunday night. When, I get to the section asking for checking and savings account info. Oops. I'm notorious for not knowing my checking account number. Also, the application needs my bank's address.

My bank is Wells Fargo ... the largest gobbler of banks west of the Mississippi. I don't exactly have their street address ... for any of their divisions. I swear I have sent checks to about four different states to pay various arms of Wells Fargo in the eight years we've been together.

So, I call customer service from the fax machine.

I give them my name, address and check card number.

"Sir, I can't give out account numbers over the phone."

So, let me get this straight. Whoever I might be, I have a check card number. Can't you do more damage with someone's check card number than with someone's checking account number? What - exactly - in this instance, is this policy protecting someone from? In any event, isn't the damage level about the same? I mean, end result, someone can drain the bank account.

So, then, I ask the guy if he can give me the Wells Fargo address for account verification.

"11203 ..."

"Wow," I think to myself. "That's how my address starts off ... Wait. This bozo is giving me my own address."

So, they won't give out redundant ways to cause harm. But they will give out your PHYSICAL ADDRESS TO ANYONE WITH YOUR CHECK CARD. Brilliant. Utterly brilliant. I'm soooooo protected. From everyone except serial killers and thieves.

Eventually, the guy says he guesses the best address would be the branch I opened my account at all those years ago. Fine.

So, in order to find my account numbers, I log on to wellsfargo.com from one of Kinko's blatantly, glaringly unsecure computers and download the pdf of my bank statement so as to procure my account numbers.

Yeah. That felt real fucking safe. Thanks, Wells Fargo. Law of Unintended Consequences and shit.

Then I left said Kinko's with my check card still in the fax machine. Oops. This is what happens, Wells Fargo, when you don't just give me the freaking account numbers. I muster up all my concentration to smite you and end up unsecuring myself more than if you had just done it for me.

So, this morning, I needed to get some cash into a certain someone's account so she can write checks to get me in my apartment. I wheel up to my neighborhood Wells Fargo to get a certified check. It is 8:30. The Lobby opens at 9. The drive thru has been open since 7:30. I pull up and ask for a cashier's check.

"We can only do those in the Lobby."

"Well, hell." I drive off. Wait. Surely they won't just hand me $550 in cash through the Drive Thru, will they? I take a lap.

"So, if I can't get a cashier's check, will cash post immediately in her account?"

"Yes."

"And I can get $550 right now?"

"Yes."

"Do it."

Lose the certified check? Only a certain someone can do anything with it. Lose eleven $20 bills? Anyone can do anything with it. Maybe even get a half a tank of gas out of it. So, basically, I'm being protected from a more secure transaction by this policy of yours, Wells Fargo. That seems well thought out.

Just wow.

The Rolling Stones Song of the Week

2008-06-16T09:13:00.001-05:00

Hey! I was here for this! In the second row!

The could be new world headquarters for howthefdidigethere.blogspot.com

2008-06-15T17:23:00.009-05:00

OK, I don't have keys yet ... or an application in ... or a deposit down ...

Anyway, maybe I should just call this a place I could live.

Whatever. Don't be a killjoy. No one likes that shit.

What a country

2008-06-12T14:36:00.002-05:00

So I'm perusing majorleaguebaseball.com for one of those "I love New York, it's the Yankees I hate." t-shirts. (They don't seem to have any.)

When I spy with my little eye this, in honor of next month's All Star game at Yankee Stadium, this lovely thing:

OK. That's not tooo tacky.

And, of course, you'd expect something like this:

And, Major League Baseball never being one to turn down a buck, you get this, too:

(You're right. Lady Liberty does look like Joe Borowski in drag.)

However, what I find a bit odd is this one:

Did we actually annex Canada when I wasn't looking?

FUCK

2008-06-11T08:52:00.000-05:00

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Progress

2008-06-10T08:50:00.000-05:00

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The Rolling Stones Song of the Week

2008-06-09T08:58:00.001-05:00

IMG00222.jpg

2008-06-08T18:48:00.000-05:00

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The First Ever (and maybe only) U2 Song of the Week

2008-06-06T16:20:00.003-05:00

HOLY SHIT. I've done it. I did it. I'm doing it. I have to do it. I'll do it.

Hello there, New York. How are you? Come here often? Me? Oh, I live around here. What do I do for fun? Well, for about the last year, I've been trying to get here ... even when I was aiming for other heres. But I am now openly accepting applications for new hobbies. I've got the time, now. Say, have you ever heard of Sweet Leaf Tea? What about Tito's Handmade Vodka?

Oh, you look so beautiful tonight.

What I Learned This Week

2008-06-06T09:35:00.003-05:00

I need to be more specific with what I want. For example: I really, really want this job on this team at this agency. Well, that kind of leaves a key aspect out. A really important aspect. Like being able to afford food.

Unfortunately, this week, I'm learning zen and the art of salary negotiation.

Also, I learned that I'm moving to New York.

I think I'm done here

2008-06-05T14:34:00.001-05:00

I swear to God over lunch, on 101x, I actually heard the following:

My son has never heard the song Detachable Penis. Can you play it for him?

Life imitating the Office

2008-06-03T16:07:00.002-05:00

I once - very briefly - dated a woman who had never had a real job. She had worked a retail gig less than one whole pay period. But she had never been in an office building. She was fascinated by actual, real office life and used to ask me questions all the time. "What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom?" being among my favorite. "Bathroom?" I replied with a quizzical look.

She was, however, convinced the Office was just over the top and not grounded in any sort of reality.

Yeah, I've never stolen a co-worker's stapler and embedded it in Jell-O (yet). But I just kept feeling like today has been a string of incidents happening to me - maybe not straight out of an Office episode - but what would happen if FOX tried to rip off the show. Directly.

For example, I didn't quite grossly insubordinate my boss by asking him when he interrupted my Soduku solving in a meeting "Did I stutter?" like Stanley did to Michael. But when the President's Daughter asked "Why can't we go look up these 47 addresses?" I did reply "Why can't YOU go look up these 47 addresses?" The effect was eerily similar. The air left the room and the daughter and I had a staring contest.

Also, while I didn't burn my feet in the George Foreman grill at the foot of my bed a la Michael (though I do enjoy waking up to the smell of frying bacon) I did burn the roof of my mouth on some molten pizza last night, and I am walking with a limp because my hip hurts.

I didn't start a fire in the office when I put a Cheezy Pita in the toaster ... I did cause quite a bit of smoke when I stupidly put a bagel in the toaster on the bagel setting. Case in point ...

And, while I didn't, like Dwight, go to New York and back in a day ... wait. That's tomorrow.

The Rolling Stones Song of the Week

2008-06-02T09:00:00.000-05:00

Hmm

2008-06-01T20:28:00.003-05:00

I just started a load of laundry and opened a new bottle of bleach. Now, I get the push down while turning child proof lid. Because, you know, bleach is a hazardous chemical.

What I don't get is the safety seal under the childproof lid. What, exactly, should I be concerned that my bleach has been spiked with? Tylenol? Milk? A really, really hazardous chemical?

What has our society become?

IMG00219.jpg

2008-06-01T11:35:00.000-05:00

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What I learned this week

2008-05-30T17:00:00.003-05:00

When your girlfriend is always right, all you have to do is always listen to her.

Flying takes its toll.

Writing down where you park at the airport is probably a good idea.

Bergstrom has courtesy patrols who will help you find your car in the parking lot.

Cars in the lot more than 24 hours are logged.

If you happen to have a picture of your license plate on your phone, the friendly staff at Bergstrom can take you to the right row.

Waiting to hear back from jobs is a little bit like Schrödinger's cat - the paradox, not the a capella musical group.

Fess up

2008-05-30T11:45:00.002-05:00

Pisces - A friend's ambiguous comments will irk you -- you need to find out what they meant.

OK, so which one of you said it, and what did you say? Because I feel remarkably un-irked.

A funny thing happened this week

2008-05-30T11:17:00.003-05:00

Wait. This is me we're talking about here. LOTS of funny things happened this week. LOTS of funny things happen every week.

But, this thing in particular? Quite odd. Quite unexpected.

For the first time in recent memory, I haven't hated Austin.

Now, before we jump to conclusions, I'm speaking in generalities here. My relationship with this city as a whole is as complex as my relationship to many residents of the city. Hate is certainly a strong word that isn't wholly representative of my feelings toward the entire city.

To be sure, 2008 Austin is not the city I fell in love with. And, for the longest time, I have felt suffocated by it. Trapped. Stifled.

However, as I streak up to escape velocity, I sure feel less stifled. And that's a good thing. Now I can just sit back and enjoy a bunch of Lone Star, brisket and tacos.

Reasons a certain someone is awesome

2008-05-28T08:47:00.002-05:00

Pisces - Your mind is extremely sharp today, and you are eager to discover some new ideas.

No shit, cosmos. You mean like this sort of thing?

My girlfriend is most certainly not a coddler. And, anytime I start getting coddly, she punches me in the face. (Only literally a couple times. Oh, and she felled me with a shot to the gut once when I was going for a hug. Yes, she's Irish.)

Like my friend Rick Ocasek* says, "just what I needed." And, literally, it is. At the point of a bayonet, she forces me to be more self-confident. And to not be a bleeder. But that doesn't mean I readily accept it. I kick and scream and freak out. Often. Usually about stupid shit that, at the end of the day, doesn't mean crap.

But, at the end of the day, I know she's right. There. I said it. In public.

Oh, another reason she's awesome? She's FINALLLY getting a new cell phone. I suspect it's so she can receive Radley pictures. Will confirm this later.

* We're not really friends. We're blood brothers.

Middle ground

2008-05-28T00:02:00.002-05:00

Im so glad that I know more than I knew then.
Gonna keep on tryin,
Till I reach the highest ground.

Look, I've been a bad blogger. But, now that I have an intern (SURPRISE!) maybe I'll have her document things as I keep L-I-V-I-N.

It's been a really, really hectic month or so. I mean, I've seen so much of a certain someone that I remember what she looks like. Three weekends in a row. It's like ... well, it's like it could be.

So, once there's a good stopping point, I'll catch you up. I will.

The Rolling Stones Song of the Week

2008-05-26T09:00:00.000-05:00

IMG00215.jpg

2008-05-25T17:16:00.000-05:00

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Zut alors!

2008-05-25T16:16:00.000-05:00

Why am I the only person at Niketown not speaking French?
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What I learned this week

2008-05-23T17:00:00.001-05:00

Putting your contacts in wrong side out decreases their efficiency.

The first day you officially become salaried is the day you put in 22 hours.

... it's also the day you find your first gray leghair.

Tourists in New York ...

2008-05-22T15:27:00.001-05:00

Go fuck yourself.
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Yeah, it's on

2008-05-22T00:37:00.000-05:00

I'd tell you about it. But, I wouldn't know where to begin.

Maybe later?

C'est vrai

2008-05-20T04:51:00.003-05:00

I really just put in a 20 hour workday.

I really have to be at the office at 0800 hrs. That's really three hours from now.

I really do love my job.

The Rolling Stones Song of the Week

2008-05-19T07:44:00.000-05:00

The weekend I almost Schruted it

2008-05-18T17:22:00.001-05:00

This is a placeholder. Fill you in later. After (surprise) my flight back into town.
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IMG00211.jpg

2008-05-17T19:49:00.000-05:00

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IMG00210.jpg

2008-05-17T19:48:00.000-05:00

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IMG00209.jpg

2008-05-16T19:18:00.000-05:00

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What I Learned This Week

2008-05-16T16:38:00.004-05:00

Departure angst might not be a real term.

Other people realize I am a rockstar ... professionally.

Discipline isn't just for my wristband. Head down and I'll get there.

Radley cannot handle being in the room with the vacuum being on. Puddles will ensue. This is a new phenomenon.

My parents have sent e-mails to - at most - eleven people in the past year.

Health insurance is an attainable goal. Well, it was. Now that I have it again.

Birthday rules trump everyday rules.

Sometimes, when leaning back in your chair in a meeting to dramatically make a point, you can accidentally rip your sleeve and ruin everything ... including your favorite shirt.

Don't scare easy.

The 23 answers to the 23 questions I will ask everyone in order to decide if I can really love them

2008-05-15T20:20:00.006-05:00

I've been reading a lot of Chuck Klosterman lately. I wouldn't say I think he's great. I think he's kind of me. He makes references that have to come directly from my head. And, his Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story seems a lot like something I would cook up some strange but oddly normal Friday night over drinks.

He also poses things that make me think they have to be directed at me - such as the section of Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto. I wouldn't feel right (nor legal) directly copying the section. So, instead, I will just give you my answers to his questions.

The (answers to the) twenty-three questions I ask everybody I meet in order to decide if I can really love them:

1. This is a toughie. Albert Einstein's discoveries probably would have been made by now. I mean he's no Tesla or anything. Then again, how can we be sure this magician is unique? I mean, if there is only one of him in the world, then I pick him. If not, it's a push.
2. I would not attempt to do this. Not every political prisoner is innocent.
3. Hitler's skull.
4. Yes, so he will be out of the League in four years.
5. This is an interesting question. Basically, even though I dig Alice in Chains, it is effectively giving up music in your life. I listen to music all the time. So would I give that up just to keep my soulmate out of some moderate pain every few years? Man. That's the altruistic answer. So, has all the altruism been sucked out of me? Have the bastards ground me down?
6. Hell no.
7. Presidential thyroid cancer.
8. I've happily dealt with far worse than Dark Crystal.
9. Decrease.
10. I have no idea.
11. Exit the theater.
12. $100
13. Oh shit.
14. Cats would love it, as we love Peanuts.
15. Sadly, I would spend the next 14 days at work. Over the past couple months, I have realized I am actually really good at my job. And I would like to enjoy that for just a little bit longer.
16. You can't resist it. Embrace it.
17. Trust the first one.
18. Ten minutes on the moon.
19. Muscle spasm.
20. I love documentaries.
21. Two years earlier.
22. The first rumor is the most troubling.
23. Uhh. Weird?

Step into my office

2008-05-13T15:05:00.005-05:00

So, it's no secret that I am playing the job field. I know it. You know it. My bosses know it. My parents know it. But I'm still trying to walk the line between discretion and transparency.

My current "office" is on the top floor of a brand new office building. "We" have about a third of the floor. One of my bosses asks me yesterday if I have poked my nose around the other two-thirds of the floor. I had not.

I really should have.

You see, we "work" in a shopping mall. OK, it's one of those mixed use development things with office space and apartments and retail space. I've been doing a lot of phone interviewing the past two months. I've also been fielding about five calls a day from headhunters. Now, I don't exactly want to take those calls at my desk. Or in the hallway just outside our door. If I step just outside, I am bombarded like Manuel Noriega in the Panamanian invasion by soft, smooth jazz. Mortifyingly, a couple recruiters have even asked me if I am in an elevator. I can go to my truck, but it's a good 15 minute round trip ... which greatly decreases my stealthability for these missions.

Well, imagine my glee when I opened the door to the north third of the floor today.

Giant open space fully sealed off from any prying eyes and ears. And, best of all, a full five bars of glorious T-Mobile service. No more sunburns from standing between the wall and the dumpster over by the vacant retail space.

Score.

The greatest news story ever

2008-05-13T12:09:00.002-05:00

Ever.

Be sure to watch the video of the actual assault.

Praise be to Carlo for sending this to me.

The Rolling Stones Song of the Week

2008-05-12T09:00:00.000-05:00

A thousand words

2008-05-12T08:53:00.002-05:00

That look on your face this morning when we said goodbye told me everything I'll ever need to hear.

We should talk using fewer words. They get in the way.
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2008-05-12T04:26:00.000-05:00

The guy next to me has two different wrestling magazines.
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Greetings from 1997

2008-05-09T09:33:00.001-05:00

You remember how the world went from 53 search engines one day to everyone magically uses Google the next?

We’re unringing that bell today.

For some reason, here at work (at an interactive agency, no less), we cannot access Google. Not at all.

No Google.

No Gmail.

No gchat. Not even through Meebo or Adium.

No blogger. So, though I can use my super secret backdoor e-mail address to post, I won’t even be able to read this.

In fact, I just had to use Yahoo to find out when Google was formed. (September 7, 1998) And it took freaking forever. And I doubt it’s right.

This sucks. I mean there are lots of things I would like to go back 11 years and do without. OK, mainly lots of people I would like to go back 11 years and do without. But life without Google? I mean. What do I do? Seriously.

I’m instantly dumber. I might be e-mailing questions to some of you that I need answered. Though I will have no way to verify the information, I implore you to give me the real info. Please.

I’m going to go Yahoo some info about the dark ages. No, I’m going to go Google some info on the dark ages from my phone.

This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify the system manager. Please note that any views or opinions presented in this email are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of the company. Finally, the recipient should check this email and any attachments for the presence of viruses. The company accepts no liability for any damage caused by any virus transmitted by this email.

File it under: Bad ideas

2008-05-07T13:18:00.001-05:00

The following is an actual, real, swear to God subject line of an e-mail I really just received:

No Reservations Required – Mother’s Day at Hooters

I just saw the damnedest thing

2008-05-06T15:11:00.002-05:00

The janitor for our building just dropped his gum wrapper on the floor.

Dead Flowers

2008-05-06T08:54:00.003-05:00

I meant to write a nice little narrative yesterday about Dead Flowers, this week's Rolling Stones Song of the Week. But I got busy. Bite me.

Besides there being a version of Dead Flowers on the Big Lebowski soundtrack done by Townes Van Zandt, it's quite easily one of my favorite Stones songs ever.

For one, it's easily one of the most influential songs the Stones ever recorded. Easily. Dig Wilco? Old 97s? Ryan Adams? A little something called alt country? It all came from here. From this one "throw away" Stones track off of Sticky Fingers, country became something rock bands could play with. Clearly influenced by Gram Parsons and Keith Richards hanging out, it led to Parsons' Flying Burrito Brothers getting to release Wild Horses before the Stones did.

OK, so it's just a song.

Oops, so I left out my personal favorite part of the song.

Take me down, little Suzy. Take me down.
I know you think you're the Queen of the Underground.

I love love love that line. I just do. It's in my top ten lines from the Stones. "Flippancy" might not be the best word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. And the flippancy that this girl really is the Queen of the Underground is awesome. Implied, clearly, that the narrator has in fact crossed paths with the real Queen of the Underground.

Ruined. Utterly. Totally. Ruined.

2008-05-06T01:08:00.002-05:00

So, at lunch today, I got to hear my second favorite David Allen Coe song. The one where he's having a conversation with the devil. Compliments him on his fiddle solo being better than Johnny's. (A song ruined for me by a trip to Wurstfest last fall.) And says he never really liked cocaine, just the way it smelled.

ANYWAY, I flipped the station and got treated to a new Willie song. Really dug it and totally forgot about it until tonight, when Zac brought up seeing Willie's Picnic this summer.

So, I bust out the Google for this new Willie song. Come to find out (brace yourself) it was written by Kristofferson. Who I am a big fan of ... if for no other reason than he put out an album titled Jesus Was a Capricorn - a copy of which used to hang on me and Brooke's Wall of Men We Admire. (Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Waylon Jennings, Robert Plant and Bea Arthur)

So, the song comes up on YouTube and there's a clip of Kris doing it. He starts off by saying, "I want to do a song for John and June now." That's a good intro.

And then?

Well he opens his mouth to sing.

Oy vey.

But wait. There's more. Like this guy. (The only one of these clips I couldn't get all the way through, for the record)

Seriously. If you make it all the way through that, I'll give you a dollar.

But wait. There's more. Like this one. The only clip I could find with Willie doing the song with decent audio. I direct your attention to the 1:40, 2:15 and 3:15 marks.

It's like Zac said, "Thank you YouTube and every slapdick with an Apple thinking he can edit videos."

I'd like to think I taught him the term slapdick.

The Rolling Stones Song of the Week

2008-05-05T08:49:00.002-05:00

I think about this song every year on Kentucky Derby Day. Well, I hope you didn't see me. In my ragged company. A basset hound and a Dalmatian.

I should do good stuff more often

2008-05-02T20:56:00.001-05:00